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Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Farming (DotA)

Hello, my name is Lucifer, and I am a doombringer. Well, I guess you can consider me a doombringer, but my true profession is just to kill creeps. Kill LOTS of creeps. It's my job, and heck, I love it.

There I was walking down that lane, with the big wings that somehow don't flap or make me fly. In the distance, I saw creeps. Oh yeah, the nice soft wooden flesh of sentinel creeps. Yummy. I touch, and poof, the wood turns to gold.

Farming, is a noble profession. We don't go out hunting other heroes. We just, farm. Slowly, and slowly. Farming used to be the backbone of many empires, and so, to those who view it as boring is absolutely nuts. The vaults are full with my money. Soooo much of it.

Which leads me to another problem. What am I to buy? Basher? I already have one. Sange and Yasha? I also already have one. Hmm. I guess I'll get the new and improved, Boots Of Travel version 6.28. Which brand leh?

Aiks.

Brands. I guess I'll get the Nike one, but then, the Adidas one looks not so bad either. What am I talking about? I just need a pair of boots to run from the hunters.

-----
Here is a description of Lucifer's daily life in the lane in the middle of nowhere.

The ground burns when he comes, the earth shakes when he approaches. His dark shadow in the horizon seems to be the bane of any skirmishing group of ents, and despite their brave attempts to hurt the infernal creature of hell, their claws and teethes fail to harm the heavily bulked monstrosity.

Slash. And their wooden frames shatter into many pieces.Another slash, and whatever liquid they have inside bursts out and stains the scorched earth. Another slash, and boom, the druid is dead, his minute body devoured by the gigantic demon. The metallic screech of his axe must have sounded like the laughter of the devl, as it seemed to them, it would be the last sound they would ever hear.

The party, of ents... is destroyed. The doombringer retreats back to the outpost built like a huge tower, with more golden coins in his vault.

--------

DotA. That's what happen when you play a certain hero for 2 or 3 times in a row.

-------













0 voices

Monday, February 27, 2006
Simulation

I've seen my dreams and opinions of the world change is time passes, and time and again, i'll try to simulate inside my head what I would change into. Of course, it isn't accurate, as it's subject to environmental changes.

Nah, let's not get to that.

I like simulations. No, change that. I LOVE simulations, but not to the point of mad love. I also like simulations that have a fair amount of arcade elements in them.

HERE's a piece of writing I had before my SPM BIO.

Tomorrow is the exam on biology, and I slowly gaze through the pages, trying to gather the traces of information amidst the flickering pages of a thick book. My mother watches me from afar through the side of her eyes, and I know she will say something ill the moment I do something wrong. It has been this way since, as far as I could recollect, and never had I broke free of this seemingly eternal rhythm. Still, I stay on, before the wonderfully orchestrated music of Magna Carta, and I indulge myself in the self-satisfaction of typing. It is a love I have fostered over the past year, as my fascination with the almost artistic arrangement of words and letters grew.

Yet, as enthralling as words, letters and meanings stitched together by a writer can be, I fail to find the urge, and the willpower, to read. It is most contrasting, as my fascination does not reflect in my desire to read, and to write. Perhaps it is only normal, for a person who has a passion for one, fails to find the will to continue in a related passion. Way leads on to way, or so they claim. Yet I fail to find the justification for this statement, as death is a path that leads to a dead end. Such absurd personification of the presence of god and fate awakens a dark, hidden satire of seeing other fail. More often than not, I find consolation at the sight of others failing in their pursuits. As dark as it is, it is human nature to convince itself that it has potential, has ability. More strange, is while I am doing all this, consciously. Am I not what I say I am?

Many claim that self-judgment and analysis is inaccurate, as a person often find themselves clouded by bias, pride, and hesitation to see ourselves as what we really are. We fear the truth about ourselves, do we not?


0 voices

Sunday, February 26, 2006
Bloodsoaked Hands

Civil order, the objective of law, the purpose of law.

Look around. Anyone might be a murderer, an assassin, a madman. Anyone might keep that deep desire to kill, to soak their hands in blood, to cover their faces with the red fluid that flows in man, to feast on the begs and screams of their hated oerson. Everyone has that thought, it's only law that prevents us from executing the thought.

Some say our friends will hold us back, but they hold us back because they don't want us to be punished by law. if there are no laws, no punishment, they wouldn't hold us back.

....

Why am I talking bout this?

I was playing basketball, and this faggot kept pushing my back with his hands. I don't know whether it's legal in basketball or not, but I wanted to swing my hands and hit him in the head with my elbow. How nice if he'd have a big purple bruise around his eyes. I didn't like the feeling of being pushed from my back.

So, I countered with being more aggressive. Bah, and he said I played ganas.

You know how everyone sometimes wished they had some sort of power?

To fly, to read people's minds and all that. HAHA...

That time, I wanted to be invisible and slit his skin piece by piece. Or maybe pluck his eyes out.

...

Stupid devil. It's just a game, chill. Next time, I'm not letting you play.


0 voices

Unnecessary Words

There's chaos in my life, and of course, there is order.

Right now, I still feel strange. My friend remarked how calm I was before the exams, and in a way, he was right. I hated chaos occasionally, and chaos, is related to feeling unorganized. I believe that someone shouldn't be anxious and nervous before an exam, or be chaotic for that matter.

As much as we feel that a dark storm is coming, it's important to maintain that inner calm. It's from that calm we see things properly, no?

Examinations. Who doesn't dread them? I love exams sometimes, especially when one just waits and listens to everyone else's work. Sometimes, if our focus is strong and our ears are keen, we could hear their pen screech, their heavy breathing.

I like listening, although to many, I've seen to be more of the talker, not the listener.

Alas, listening is hard when everyone else doesn't seem to be talking, or at least, their topic fail to interest me.

I like to listen, I like to watch, I like to feel motion and touch. However, I do not like to react. I will just watch... and watch... and watch.

There are times when I shut the world out, and days I never speak a complete sentence. These days, are harder to come by. I shut the rest of the world out to let my mind idle, and do what it always does.

Slowly, I think a part of me is becoming a sheep. A part of the flock of sheeps.

If a wolf is in sheep clothing for long enough, eventually it'll start thinking like a sheep.

I, do not want to be in a herd. I, do not like to be herded, yet unknowingly, I am being herded around. By what? All the media the world has to offer.

....

Oh yeah, the exam questions were repeated before, as such did not pose so huge an obstacle.

....

The greater obstacle, however, is convincing people that I didn't know anything about the subject, as such I finished it quickly.

.....

The largest obstacle today, is trying to get myself away from people. It's like a drug. I seem to be getting more and more attached to being with people, particularly my peers. This, is bad. People, is something that I can only have restricted access to.

People, are like carriers of disease. The more I am exposed to them, the higher the chances are I pick up their disease. People by themselves, are not bad. These people, are perhaps excellent characters, but prolonged exposure, will derive me of the time to rejuvenate my energy. Interacting with people needs energy, and I only have so much.

I, appreciated the moments of silence in the exam hall today. It was... refreshing.

.....

I feel drained now. I sometimes hate talking, especially when a person runs out of topics to talk about, and resorting to talking about minute, unnecessary details of a person's life or activity to kee the conversation going.


I'm not thinking straight, I'm tired, and I have 2 evil people whispering evil words to me. If I have offended anyone, blame it on the devil, and exhaustion.

0 voices

Friday, February 24, 2006
Shadows and silhouettes

I had a chat with a friend yesterday, while waiting for my parent to come and pick me up from college. Well, that conversation, after a while, took a detour, and we started talking about us reading other peoples problems.

I have noticed that I find myself relieved and overjoyed when I read about them suffering, I find myself laughing at their actions following. It's strange, that I end up deriving joy from other's pain. Sadistic, but then, I at that moment, raised that we've loved it since ancient times, like in gladiator duels, where we see people fighting for their lives for the enjoyment of the audience.

It, hasn't changed.

Notice how we find ourselves feeling sick when we see a happy ending in a movie, drama and so on sometimes?

We like to see people suffer.

So, who's the demon?

We are. Always has, but we've only pushed the sin to an image(the devil) for our peace of mind.

We, refused to admit that we are evil. We like to see people suffer, as it reinforces our own self-image, wouldn't it? It makes us feel better, to know someone else out there is suffering.

We, are very sadistic creatures. You know it, and you've denied yourself to the truth.



0 voices

Thursday, February 23, 2006
May you live in interesting times.


I was very much intrigued by the title when I saw it in a paper some time ago, which if my memory serves, it was of chinese origin. It came to me as somewhat an interesting idea, and the word, 'interesting' provided my with some food for thought. Nah. It's like giving something highly combustible to a small growing fire.

Would a person prefer an interesting era to live in, or a less interesting era to live in.

Would one prefer to live in warring times, dark ages and golden ages, or the somewhere in between?

Hmm.

I'd rather live in interesting times, when change is fast and quick, as I feel it is such eras that suit my talents. What talents? I think it is the ability to adapt and learn new things quickly. I feel it has shown itself dramaticly over time. I've seen myself perform better after some exposure to a certain matter.

For instance, I learnt how to draw by reading manga. I learnt how to write by seeing how others write. (For that matter, I've never touched more than 10 novels until now) I've learnt many things by seeing others do it, and adapt it into my own.

I am, as some would say, an adaptive creature. All humans are, but I think I adapt and learn faster than quite a certain number of people.

In interesting times, when things change quickly, I feel I'd be able to succeed. After all, my talents are spread out, a jack-of-all-trades, but master of none.

It is people like me, that need interesting, fast changing environments.

Perhaps my assessment of myself is wrong, but I've always felt my ability to learn things fast has been my greatest ability. I may not win people in the long run if the subject was focused in a certain topic.

To compare with a car, I would be a car with fast acceleration and great handling, but moderate top speed. Cars like this are good in twisted, infinite-corners tracks.

If I were to compete with a car with spectacular top speed, but moderate acceleration in a track that doesn't have many tricks up it's sleeves (ie drag strips), I'd lose.

HAHAH. I guess need for speed is an interesting way of comparing real life to digital realm.

May you, live in interesting and prosperous times.

0 voices

Wednesday, February 22, 2006
In wake of my absence

I went away today, on matters that need not be mentioned here, and that matter, is now resolved. In short, I skipped class today. That, got me thinking, and it brought me down, very down. I supposed the dark elements inside will rejoice, as this is when their influence is greatest.

What, if I have never ever existed? Never even born into the world.

How would everyone else's life been? How would my parents have been? How would my friends be doing? How would the world be without my presence?

Nothing much would change. Those that do change, will perhaps change for the better, wouldn't they? Perhaps blatant negativity, but I did my share of thinking. I've made great negative impact on the people around me. They have become for the worse because of my presence. They have been led astray because of my incorrect guidance. They have been hurt because of my lack of sensitivity to certain matters.

My presence, have made things proceed for the worse.

Without me in this world, they wouldn't get hurt by me. They wouldn't get in trouble because of my lack of tact, or my lack of consideration.

Would they? How would have they been?

I know there are people who prefer that I was somewhere else.

I know there are people who prefer that I was dead.

I know there are people who prefer that I never existed.

I compare myself to a black hole, that drains everyone around me of their life, their hopes, their future.

Perhaps a devil's role, would fit me well.

3 voices

Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Ctrl-Alt-Del, Alternate


I feel very strange these days.

VERY strange.

Well, how strange? I don't really know.

Not girls problem, rest assured.

It's just, a strange nagging feeling of something. Heavier than the world, lighter than a feather.

...

...

Oh crap. I'm losing my sanity. Vern Yen said I was someone who seemed on the brink of insanity, and so did a few other people. While in form 5, during the haze, my English teacher remarked, in reference to me, 'Are you even normal?' Hmm. If sanity is associated with normalcy, then that association is misplaced.

Somehow, there is some truth in their words. Who is normal? Let me correct that, what do you mean by normal? Nah. I don't like that either. Does normal even exist?

Bah. Bullshit discussion, a facade of intelligence.

Let's keep it real, dawg.

Anyway, Malaysian Studies stink. An ultimately boring lecturer who doesn't even bother trying to spice up the subject, and leave us to our own activities. Bleh. If not for the fact that I don't want to keep doing this stuff, I'd wouldn't even give a darn thought about it.


I feel strange again....

I want to give someone the props for giving me hints that I should do something about something.

0 voices

Dirge Of Cerberus OST

Music to my ear, no joke.

Great fight tunes.

0 voices

Ctrl-Alt-Del, Control.


Manipulations.

I had a p5 class on Monday, and the subject title was managing people and systems. Subtopic, organizations.

But before that, it was on conflict, and counselling.

It made me think a few things.

There's positive motivation, and there's negative motivation, or demotivation. To get either of this, we could either take the nice approach, as in to get them to like the job etc, or the dark side, to use hatred, anger to drive them. I was leaning towards hatred, anger, and prejudice.

A boss should provoke his staff, to think he underestimates his staff, as in him, He must make the environment conductive, so that he'll try to prove to his boss that he is just as capable as anyone else, if not better. The boss, can use merit-based favouritism, and manipulate their feelings to indirectly give hints to his staff, that if you want to get into my good books, you must perform well.

This, would be a way to motivate in the start, and it is an effective way of making sure a new employee doesn't get sidetracked by other stuff. Alas, this is only my opinion.

My friends was discussing a few things about their relationships etc, all of which got my brain to start turning it's rusty cogwheel.

Why do a pair of lovers call each other girlfriend/boyfriend? Why? What was the source of this name-calling? What is the point of this title? It comes with no legal constraints as in the link between husband and wife. What is the use of such titles?

I'll give my opinions on a later date. Bloody clutch control....



0 voices

Sunday, February 19, 2006
A Wager Of Many Years

I talked with a friend of mine recently, from my old hometown, and since then, he came to this part of the world as well. He reminded me of a bet that we made in 2002 or so, an agreement of sorts that was quite pointless at that time, but now will test both our control over our heart, body and mind. It's a game of resistance, a game of defiance against nature.

The first person, to get a girlfriend, will have to pay the other, RM10. A small measly amount, perhaps, but it is the intent and purpose, not the prize, that matters more.

HAHA. A bet, now in it's 3rd or 4th year, with no victor on either side.

The bet, goes on. This wager, will be mine.

1 voices

The Infernal Decree (A short chapter)


The wooden door slammed shut, and the echoes of boots stepping hard on the granite floor could be heard from any part of the corridor. There wasn't much to be spoken, or described about the man, of middle-age, perhaps in his late 40s, as the iron helmet masked away whatever features he had. That iron helmet, was a veil of anonymity, that kept his true identity a secret. An iron helmet, covered with ornaments and minute carvings either for runic enchantments, or decorative purposes, both conveyed and relayed the wearer's status and identity.

A knight.

The screech of iron as it scratched the surface, at times seemed melodic, at times it was evil to the core.

As he walked through the corridor, the pillars, walls and ornaments shivered, as if a ghost had just walked past, as if a gust of cold air had entered into the normally humid corridor.

He was the dark knight. The knight, who was celebrated by his people, and his king, but in truth, he was a demon's disciple, a frenzied warrior who called apon the blood powers to survive battle and triumph in war, a crafty, backstabbing tactician who used his minions and peers to aid his lust for glory.

With every trade with the dark lord, a part of his consciousness was eroded away, a part of the ethics he once had waned into dust, and a part of his love for his people faded. All, replaced with fanatical loyalty to the dark lord.

....

There was blood on his boots.

A grin crept up, sinister and satirical.

The king, he once served, is dead. The king, who adored and rewarded him like a prince, was killed with his own hands. The oath of loyalty and lordship was broken, the very same oath that he swore he wouldn't break even if his life depended on it many years ago.

It, would have been unspeakable to any knight worth his insignia.

Yet, it felt so sweet, without a tinge of regret or guilt. Just dark joy.

My goodness, I just wanted to post this for fun. Haha. Not writing for a long time can throw a wrench into a person's ability to craft a story.


0 voices

Saturday, February 18, 2006
The Slow Waltz Of Death


This post is a small play/prank

My host is not very capable of resisting my influence today, why he is so, that is none of your concern, isn't it? As such, I used this burst is the wall to break to you a viewpoint of my own. Oh yeah, I haven't introduced myself.

A demon, what is it that makes a demon a demon? Well, that is a matter of philosophical, and religious debate which I have no desire to indulge in. A demon, is to me, when something is lacking in terms of ability to differentiate humanly standards of right and wrong.

So. Who's a demon here?

...

I'm waiting for your answer, pitiful human.

...

Oh. Who else, you indecisive, short-sighted creature.

...

Never mind that.

I've been noticing how my host acts these days, acting all funny and all. Bah. That's what happens when he veers away from my influence. ME! The GREAT DEVIL!

And he chooses to listen to that holier-than-thou fool of a philosopher. Bah. BAH!

The ground shakes violently and firey pillars emerge from the cracks in the dirt.

Anyway. I met another creature who lives in our host today. He's a companion of mine, and he's often a drawing subject for our host. Who else? The Grim Reaper, aka Death.

So, I'm going to post a small conversation about certain things.

DEATH: So, what brings the firey master of hell to the abode of the death lord?
ME: Nothing. Just checking on my buddy, and see how's he's doing these days.
DEATH: What is there to check on? Would there be anything worth to check on?
ME: ... On second thought, I bet you've been pretty frustrated that our host hasn't give in to any of his killing impulses yet,
DEATH: Killing in the digital arena works fine.
ME: Really? I don't find myself amused by the lack of gore of the digital realm.
DEATH: You and I see different things in these games.

Anyway, I think my host is a really big noob when it comes down to playing these games. But I'm not. At least, so far I've not proven to be a noob. It's just the keyboard is sooo bloody small for my huge razor-sharp, diamond-edged claws.

DEATH: Worthless excuses and dillydallying.

What? I'll get that pile of bones later.

Demonic wings emerge, and fire surrounds the demon. Off he goes to try and destroy the master of undead.









0 voices

Friday, February 17, 2006
SImple Intentions and Natural Order

I find myself baffled, and heavy-hearted these days. It's really hard for me, to just be friendly when everyone else seems to think I have some sort of romantic interest towards certain people. I do not know whether they meant it as a joke, or serious, or a mix of both, but I find myself torn either way. This is a problem of trying to be friends with a girl. It is surely laden with accusations or assumptions that my intentions are romantic in nature.

Yeah, right.

I'm not a person who goes around with the intention of dating any hot chick I see, any sort of lust I may have is instantly suppressed, controlled and removed, as I have grown to view it as a hindrance to a daily routine.

Being friends with someone of the opposite sex is often easily misintepreted, and it is highly upsetting, as I am not fond of being blackmailed. I do not mind people say what I have done wrong if I have done it, but sometimes, I just feel like there's a ton of rock on my shoulders, like Atlas, who holds the weight of the world on his shoulders, when someone says something I never did.

...

It's raining. The roar of raindrops splatterring as it hits the floor, the roof and the walls is a melody in itself. A melody of nature, a way nature deals with our stress. It got me thinking about why our life is getting more and more stressful.

Nature used to be the one who solved our stress. When the gentle sea breeze caresses your skin, you feel like you've gone for a massage. When the waves and sand tingle your feet and sends wondrous sensations of movement, it is plain relaxing. When the leaves rustle to the wind, all the worries seem to fade away. The murmurs of the sea slowly crushing and retreating, even now, seems to take a certain weight from my shoulders away.

Nature, was our anti-depressant.

We lacked our natural dose of it, and slowly it killed us, it costed us our sanity.

Why? I remembered a time when I went to the beach, and I took a walk alone. I remembered how there was nothing on my mind, as if the world had started anew. The sensation felt by the senses, was refreshing, even though it was just as overwhelming. The tingling feeling on ur feet, ur hair flying as the fuzzy wind swept pass.

I really need a holiday, alone. Away from family, away from everything. A moment of isolation to contemplate my life, a moment of solitude to awaken my mind, a moment of loneliness to remind myself of my goals.

Alas, that holiday will be so far away.

Perhaps a trip to the mountains would work too. Somewhere beautiful and serene, with some flowers and herbs. The sounds of birds and the unending hum of insects should be just as relieving. Perhaps huge protrusions of limestone and bonsai tress should be nice oso.

Talking about bonsai reminds me of Zen and Tao philosophy. I should read some books on them sometimes, and maybe find some nice pictures of the beach to bring myself back to that wondrous memory.

I love reminiscing... It's a way to learn from the past.

0 voices

Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Why now?

DAMMIT! Check your stock markets.

Johan. went up by 36.36% yesterday. from 0.11 went to 0.15 (One day change)

Darnit.

I think this is the tenth time one of the 40 stocks I track went into the most gains on percentage.

Fark.

That time it was sumatec (double in value also in a few days), then nexnews (about 90% over a period of one week), then lioncor(30%)...

Stupid markets.

Why now? When I actually invest money only you go up la... Stupid stocks. Don't go up when I'm just tracking u! I'd rather you stocks keep going down. It helps me understand the market more.

0 voices

Monday, February 13, 2006
A Few Words For The Lonely

Lonely on Valentines? So am I. Oh, then again, the word 'lonely' is not suitable. I'm never lonely. I have 'friends' to accompany me on any lonely day. You've met the Devil, in my previous entry.

Here's a few words for those who are, thankfully, single.

A lover is like a flower in a forest. Without the forest, the flower would die. But without the flower, the forest will live on. Some other day in the future, another flower will emerge. We, don't need to love to live. Perhaps a flower would give a sense of life and beauty to the forest, but that is all. A forest needs the flower not. We, want love to feel a sense of belonging, a sense of wholeness. But without it, life, will go on.

Then, we know not all flowers smell nice. Some flowers are poisonous, some are smelly. Some, are covered in thorns. Some, are parasites that live on others.

Take a while to think. What do a lover wants? Diamonds? Gifts? Compassion? How often to they return the favor?

Love should should be a symbiosis, in biological terms. Both should provide something in exchange of another. Unfortunately, the earlier stages of 'love', if that word is to be used, often prove to be parasitic in nature. Perhaps some say the returns are compassion and care, some say time. If so, one side, often gives more, doesn't it? One side will always give more than the other, and yet it will not complain.

Love, is a way we are often deceived. It's nature's trick to get people into mating.

Love, however, has degraded into smaller parts. Rare, has the time for true, pure love emerges. Pure love, is like a small baby turtle trying to survive in a sea filled with predators. Often, it doesn't survive. To those who hope for it, it wouldn't come out as planned.

So to the singles, be grateful. Love, wasn't what it used to be. Love, isn't an oath of a lifetime anymore. It is merely lust mixed with minor elements of it.





0 voices

Saturday, February 11, 2006
Find me a synonym of bored

Bored, nothing better to do, idle... Such a commonly used word should have much more synonyms, don't you think?

Music. Ah, the cure of diseases related to the mind, and sometimes, the body... Then again, let's not get there. My hand hurts. It hurts when I try to stretch or move it, so I think I sprained my hand. Darn. Just darn. I hate it when I get some sort of disease, it's discomforting, and it throws a big fat spanner into your daily schedules and activity rate.

Rain. Another freaking bothersome event that is quite inseparable from our environment. Why the hell does it has to rain in the afternoon, anyway? Bullshit! Freaking stupid workings of nature and more freaking stupid workings of human-unkind.

Life under an oppresive parent, is not the best of lives. Especially when that certain parent goes from 37 degrees to 800000 degrees in the fraction of a second. Screaming and yelling, and impervious to the logic and rationale. I hate my parents. I hate them.

I get this kind of mood every now and then, filled with hatred and disgust.

I guess I should be disgusted with anyone who likes watching people suffer, and be disgusted with anyone who makes anyone else disgusted.

An idle mind is the devil's playground.

That means the devil has been playing in my mind for so many years, that I've probably learned all the evil he has in mind. I want to take a spear and lunge it across the heart of so many people, and laugh as their blood slowly drip onto the floor, and smile wickedly as they look at me surprised and wondering why. I want to take a knife and slowly slice off their skin, piece by piece like peeling fruits.

I want to slice through them and cut their heart out, the same way we cut an apple in half and cut out it's seeds.

Cannibal thoughts, no?

I want to hack and slash without giving a damn about the lives I've destroyed, I want to scream without anyone giving any sort of response. I want to do what I want.

Alas, I can't. Feeling angry is perfectly natural. It is also natural for us to give in to that anger.

But revenge, isn't about feeling angry and hurting someone now. Revenge, is prolonged torture, that makes people lose their sleep every night, shake their faith in their loved one, cause them to lose confidence in themselves, and make themselves feel guilty and worthless. Pain goes away, and so, is an ineffective method of revenge. To haunt him/her permanently, is a more delightful way of torture.

Anger is an energy, that should be channeled effectively. Effectively, as in planning a way to hurt someone in a way that makes them hurt themselves. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and what is more cold, that watching someone hurt themselves?

Darn.

That was the devil talking, not me. I was a wee-bit too idle, and the devil took over.

I like the devil, since I love it's impeccable and dark sense of humor and comedy. It's like watching a parody of good things, and watching them fall from good, to bad. I even have a name for him, but that is none of your business.

Me: Have a good day.
Him: Have a bad day.
Me: Have a normal day.
Him: Just have a day, that's normally bad.
Me: Pessimistic.
Him: Optimistic.
Me: So?
Him: Nothing.
Me: Then don't say it.
Third Party (Name classified as of this moment) : Shut the fuck up.

Bye. I hope you get shot by an bullet on your way out.

(BANG, visitor falls dead)




0 voices

Friday, February 10, 2006
Of Avatars and Society

Alternate lives that we lead online, is it best to keep it secret, or better for it to be revealed to our closest friends. Why, of so many things, do we choose to have another life on the web anyway? What leads us to it? What drives people to assume different personalities, different behaviours, and all that? Why some of us can't stay true to who we really are? Too many questions asked in a day, is no good to anyone. As such, I'll describe my own. After all, a blog is a personal matter, it should first begin with ourselves.

I have a few lives online. A sketchist/photoshopper, a fanfiction-writer, a rude mad forum frequenter, and the silent watcher, just to name a few. Many others have many more, and I know of a few who have so many they lost count. In a way, their life, became immersed in the web, and to take it away is to take their life away.

What drove me to get involved in this? I got into deviantart at first to gaze at the works of others, to leech of their brilliance to feed my own inferiority. I got into fanfiction and fictionpress (of which I have abandoned it as I found myself unable to be create a wholly original world) because as I read and immersed myself in stories, anime, manga or movies I have come across, I tend to create my own variations, and that variation led me to it. At times, it was a joy; yet at other moments, it was a weight on my shoulder that I could have done without.

Maintain separate identities, especially when reacting to different people is classified as a form or type of narcissism. It's a mask, a facade that we erect to achieve certain objectives inside, be it material or otherwise. To maintain such activites, requires control and supervision of the main identity, and switching between identities and behavior patterns is also a matter of spiritual management. I am very much sceptical about God, but a part of me calls out for it, since there are times when a person requires that reminder that someone is looking out for them.

In short, to me, the god I believe in, is merely there to pull me out of a horrible place. Not very much of a god, but every reason in the world to look up to it as an entity worthy of godhood.

The event, or case, of multiple identities, to which should not be confused with multiple personalities, is that although we are the same person, with about the same behavior, we create different impressions on people. We are aware of it, as such we are led by a part within ourselves to give a different impression on other people. This, is our different identities. We want to create a good impression, because over time we have been exposed to the dangers of making a good one. A good impression reflects our belonging in society, and we humans are social creatures, and in order to fulfill that requirement, many of us create other identities to fulfill the role of a society member.

We follow trends and standards, because we want to make a good impression, which we think that others will see us as having a good identity, to which we belong in society. Trends merely exploit our tendency to have a connection to society, to reinforce our belonging as a person to the world, as some of us feel that without it, we are alone. It is our greatest fear, to be alone, forgotten and unrecognized. Yet, it is when being alone, that we truly see what we are.

There was someone who once said, "One can gain anything in solitude except character."

If so, perhaps what we really fear, is to know what we really are.

I, will discuss that matter on some other date.

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Wednesday, February 08, 2006
The Anti-Valentine Brigade

I love the gift of a sudden inspiration, especially when one needs it most. It was nightfall yesterday, alone in the silence of my own room, with only the screech of lead to break the stale atmosphere. Paper after paper was spent without me knowing it, as I tried to find something interesting to draw, something I could give a life to, something I could give a story, a background, a world.

It was then, half way drawing what meant to be a valentine's gift, that it came to me. Like a stroke of lightning, everything came into place, albeit comparable to finding the key to a door, in a bunch of thousands.

The world was there, the person, the personalities, the characters. For a moment, I was filled with joy beyond my ability to understand it.

I, drew the exact opposite of Cupid. I named him, Discord, after a greek god of the same name.

An extract:

I have nothing against Cupid, but it is my destiny to wage a seemingly endless war against him. As such, this has become my eternal war against love.

And I know I will emerge triumphant.


Drawing them has become an obsession for quite a moment of time, and I found myself adding to the world more and more. I created it's pawns, it's weapons, it's insignia.

"THE HEARTBREAKERS"

"We exist to crush the hearts and unions of love, to slay the passion, to evoke conflict amongst men. We exist to bring forth strife, and when we are done, the tears of the broken hearted will be gathered, and it will rejuvenate our own heartlessness."


Another phrase from another agent,

"Hearts are liars, but many don't think they are. We, exist to 'educate' these fools, or destroy their heart for them."

When time comes, I'll continue adding to it. Perhaps I'll have them scanned when I am done.








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Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Revelation No. 1

I've been doing much thinking these days, on what, I rarely care about. How'd I got there? I was merely walking around listening to Sun Yan Zi's songs. The song had nothing to do with it, but it helped get me into a thoughtful mood. Regardless, it was the thought that somehow frightened me a little.

What did I find out? Or at least, rediscovered what others have known for ages?

The links between beauty and power? Now, what are they? Actually, the more I look at it, the more similar the two become. Both are aspects that have driven many people to the point of insanity, heck, death. Men, and women went crazy over it, and why? What is in our physiology and psychological framework that drives us to need these two aspects so badly? What is so attractive in them? Philosophers everywhere have pondered it, and I do not claim to have found the cause.

I think, and as such, is my own opinion, that beauty is needs of a physical level, whereas power is needs of a physical+mental level.

I know I am crazy about power. Hell, I'm mad about it. I love power, I'm a dictator, and I very well know I'm one. This explains another aspect of my personality, which is why I do not want to get myself a girlfriend, because I very well know that I'll try to control every darn aspect of her life. I very much doubt I'll find a girl who'll like me to control her, as such, I threw the whole idea out of the window.

I then took time to think why I would want to control a person. It seems, from what I could make out, that I liked to have the choice of deciding things, to have actions done in the way I like it. In short, I wanted the outcome the way I think it should be, and controlling others was a way to do it. Why I wanted the outcome the way I want it? It simply reinforces my own personal confidence and ideals, and in short, in many ways boost my perception of myself.

I soon thought that I must change this aspect of myself, the desire to be in control of my life, as life has often proven that it doesn't always go the way I want it, and it can get very depressing. Alas, a part of me feels I shouldn't. Why? The desire to control and master is ultimately human nature. We want the nature to work the way we want it, not the other way round. We want things to our benefit, and over the ages, it is ingrained into our mentality, and over the course of many years, we've seen more and more power crazy people.

How do we remove the desire to be in control? I doubt it's possible.

Everytime we see someone we love and like go away, we wish we had more control, as such, more power. This has led to our scientists and academia to research immortality, cure for death, cure for disease, cure for suffering. Most religions is about in away, escape from lack of control. Buddhism, was about suffering and handling it. Christianity was ultimately salvation, from what? Sins. Sins caused by our desires, to control and to know. If you take time to ponder, it's ultimately control that is deeply ingrained in it.

Aspects of control is something we worship, we idolize. We try to practice ideals because we think it'll give us more control. We worship god, because we think it has control, and it can control things in our favor.

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Friday, February 03, 2006
Dogs

My parents got a dog for my brother today, and they got it from SPCA. It's a cute little shih tzu, but frankly, I don't give much of a damn. The joy of having a dog and a companion is negated by the responsibilities and torment that comes with the little critter. But then, who am I to know, I may grow attached to it.

Still, it's real cute to look.

Yeah, bloody market still closed, but this in on 2nd Feb, since my knowledge comes through the newspapers, so I'll blog about something else.

Dogs. It's the bloody year of the dog, but who cares very much?

Oh yeah. I went to Ampang with my family for Yong Tau Fu today. God damn, i need more. Should've ordered more of those stuff, and the drink was uber sweet (too much will prolly bring me to diabetes, but who gives a shit? Enjoy now, die later)



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Thursday, February 02, 2006
I See Doom

Something tells me my parents are so going to kill me once they come back from wherever they gone to.

Haha, what do you expect me to do, when i'm playing a game, and if i were to leave the game, i'd be banned, for quite a long period of time. Man, it's just a visit. We can visit them any other time in the month, since we live so darn close to each other anyhow.

Anyway, the market's closed in the past few days, although from what I got off the official website, the few stocks I've been tracking made good gains, in terms of percentage. If I actually had money in the market, i'd make around 8-10pc every 2 weeks, not bad, considering how low the interest rates in banks and FDs are. Of course, there are a few stocks that went down, and went down quite badly, but on general, I still make some progress.

Hah, can't wait for 21.

3 years for me to learn the ropes of the stock market, before being actually legal to invest in it. I hope the scene won't change dramaticly.

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Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Early Enthusiasm

It happens, no? When you begin something, it often just has that momentum at the beginning of the period. It's a real drag, and I've experienced it in writing, drawing, illustration, homework, studying and even games. Dang. Men with their short-lived energy and attention span. That event, and situation applies to this blog as well. The first step isn't the hardest, it's making sure you keep taking steps that the real challenge.

I expect myself to lose the momentum to keep updating this piece of junk very soon, even though i'll try not to.

It's just a short post to keep the momentum. I'll prolly try to incorportate other parts of my life into the blog, partly my analysis of the Malaysian Stock Market (KLSE) and stuff.



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